Юмор на английском языке

Юмор в нашей жизни занимает важное место. Надеюсь, что несколько историй вам понравятся. Истории идут на английском языке, они расположены в порядке возрастающей сложности.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see".
Watson: "I see millions and millions of stars".
Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"
Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per metre," replied the male clerk with a smile.
"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten metres."
The clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
The Sunday School Teacher asks, "Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No sir," little Johnny replies, "I don't have to. My Mom is a good cook."

"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker." - Woody Allen

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." - Rodney Dangerfield  
I Love my Job
I love my job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my boss, he is the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.  
I love my office and its location,
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
And piles of paper that grow each day!
I think my job is really swell,
There's nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my peers,
I love their leers, and jeers, and sneers. 
I love my computer and its software;
I hug it often though it won't care.
I love each program and every file.
I'd love them more if they worked a while. 
I'm happy to be here. I am. I am.
I'm the happiest slave of the Firm, I am.
I love this work, I love these chores.
I love the meetings with deadly bores.  
I love my job - I'll say it again -
I even love those friendly men.
Those friendly men who've come today,
In clean white coats to take me away!  
A woman
What Women Want in a Man

Original List (age 22):
Handsome; Charming; Financially successful; A caring listener; Witty; In good shape; Dresses with style; Appreciates finer things; Full of thoughtful surprises; An imaginative, romantic lover.

Revised List (age 32):
Nice looking (prefer hair on his head); Opens car doors, holds chairs; Has enough money for a nice dinner; Listens more than talks; Laughs at my jokes; Carries bags of groceries with ease; Owns at least one tie; Appreciates a good home-cooked meal; Remembers birthdays and anniversaries; Seeks romance at least once a week.

Revised List (age 42):
Not too ugly (bald head OK); Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car; Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally; Nods head when I'm talking; Usually remembers punch lines of jokes; Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture; Wears a shirt that covers his stomach; Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids; Remembers to put the toilet seat down; Shaves most weekends.

Revised List (age 52):
Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed; Doesn't belch or scratch in public; Doesn't borrow money too often; Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting; Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times; Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends; Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear; Appreciates a good TV dinner; Remembers my name on occasion; Shaves some weekends.
Revised List (age 62):
Doesn't scare small children; Remembers where bathroom is; Doesn't require much money for upkeep; Only snores lightly when asleep; Remembers why he's laughing; Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself; Usually wears clothes; Likes soft foods; Remembers where he left his teeth; Remembers that it's the weekend.
Revised List (age 72):
A criminal
The Top 10 Dumbest Criminals

Yankton, South Dakota: A woman was arrested at her step son's Boy Scout meeting. While watching a policeman demonstrate his drug dog's ability, the dog found a bag of grass in her purse.

Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag,  the robber  saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag.
The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he was not the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds. Some days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture...of handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.

Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac, Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it. The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he required a five minute recess to compose himself.

Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a store in district court when he fired his lawer Assistant district attorney Larry Jones said Newton was doing a fair job of defending himself until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up, accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should have blown your expletive head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year sentence.

Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.  

Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued....and won. In delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous, stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine..
Another criminal

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